07 JAN 2010 AN OPEN LETTER TO THE CANADIAN DOMINIONS

07 Jan 2010.
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE CANADIAN DOMINIONS

We are stuck in the middle of the UK, in the middle of a Cold Snap, without any heating or hot water because our boiler has fritzed and the engineer can not reach us.

Last night, in rural Oxfordshire where our SofaNest is, it fell to -17*C. That's awful. Just awful. Just too much.

I believe that, in the Canadian Dominions, it gets much colder than this, snows more and lasts longer than the UK winter. You Canadian Dominions are abviously much better suited to this icy, Ffreeezing, white stuff than us.

Accordingly, I offer the white flag of surrender from the United Kingdoms. We give up.

We have a proposition for you...

If you take over the United Kingdoms you will get some excellent foreign soccer players; we will leave behind a vast, unwashed population of hoodies (whom you might have to shout "Mush" at in order to get them to move - but then, you have the whips and harnesses to hand anyway) AND (resist this if you can) access to the hereditary recipe for black pudding.

But, Canadian Dominions, you can't have such riches for narda,for nothing, for nought, and we United Kingdomers only require that you obtain, for us, a large tropical island with interesting wildlife, good conditions for gardening and a large population descended from rough, criminals who might replace hoodies in our affections ... Oh! I say, the tropical island of Australia just sprang to mind...

We hope to hear from you soon, and in the meantime, as a gesture of goodwill, we have voted to stop referring to you Canadian Dominions as "the Canadian Dom(estic) Minions."

Ffffff-Freezingly yours,
fffrom the Fffff-reezing United Kingdom. Xx

Copyright author 2010